I'm thinking of a moment - sitting on the long bench by the courtyard windows in studio, with Caroline and Jordan. Talking about God. I told them I was Catholic - somehow an unknown fact, I have never tried to hide it. That belief is a fundamental part of myself. I have never seriously questioned it - "but you're good at ico." Caroline and Jordan decreed.

Why is it that some think philosophy excludes faith? I do not try to talk about religion when it is held scantly, in mockery - as if jesting about inherent contradictions in religious institutions is quintessential to youth. Refuting tradition does not make you more intelligent. Faith is not mindless - it is not blind, those who have built churches have put much thought into the process. One does not necessarily see more clearly in an aetheistic world.

I'd like to fight the other misconception that catholicism is strict. Never has religion been forced upon me - few catholics I know hold God and Jesus in the same reverential awe Christian praise groups seem to have. In elementary school, we wrote journal entries about conceptions of heaven and hell - that liberality to religion is something I have always taken for granted. I have rarely taken the Bible verbatim for answers to theological questions - which is why, I have issues with doctrines where "Jesus said 'I am the only way to God' hence all who do not bear the name "christian" will be eternally damned." The Bible is a repository of stories from which morals and basis for my faith are derived - the story of the prodigal son, the story of the good samaritan - one can be christian or "moral" in deeds as in words. But stories can be interpreted in many ways - Bible quotations, many which I love, many which I do not fully understand - in the end God will open his arms to us, and say "My children - you have been torturing yourself with doctrines of your own decree - my love is infinite and unconditional." Those who question that are short on faith.

God's house of love has many rooms and tenants.

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More deep matters: some days ago; in fact last weekend, my roommates and I were debating about the right to suicide, or - what's the word for choosing to end life when terminally ill? My roommates claimed that one should be allowed to choose death to end their pain. In the case of suicide there really is no need for permission - but I think suicide is a selfish act. I don't think it is wrong - it is one of those things that cannot be *judged* - but it is selfish. Those who are brave would not choose death. My roommates think I am naive - Elaine indicated I was naive earlier on, too.

I disagree. I may smile constantly - I may choose to look at the world as a place of sweetness and light, but it is because I choose to believe "pine woods are as real as pigsties," not because I am oblivious to the ugly. I do not think one is any more in tune with reality by dwelling on the negative. The good and the bad coexist- so believe in beauty, and work for it.

I have wanted to kill myself. Seriously - I make jest of it, because I did not want to frighten anyone, but I remember those dark feelings of childhood clearly. Depression is not alien to me -- and i think my precociousness as a child, my photographic memory - go to prove that those feelings were real. I have never dismissed my childhood adversities. Being persecuted - not merely teased and bullied: I was cruelly tortured and I felt it; perhaps other children forget. I don't, and it changed me. Memory was born in me when I began to feel.

As a child, I never had the courage to kill myself. Hamlet's speech - killing oneself and staying alive are both cowardices.

I believe life is given to us as a gift, and we are keepers of it. We should take care of it. We should help each other take care of it.

I believe even in suffering there is value in life - and in staying alive we are giving those beautiful moments the chance to happen. We cannot assume those supreme moments will never come no matter how great our sorrows are.

I feel like I'm a burden always and want to erase myself and my existence altogether, but truly - it is selfish to choose death, because you lose only yourself but others lose you. You may feel like a burden on others when you are ill - but I don't think they would want to lose you, all the same. And love is that fragile thing that places other's wishes before your own. So, they may want you to cease to suffer for your sake because they love you - and I think if you love others better than yourself, you will want to stay alive for their sake. Even if you aren't capable of anything else - you are still capable of loving.

Even if you have no one left to love - death may come to you as a relief, but the world would be depleted if we were really left to our own devices in such matters! Life changes - we cannot predict how many years it will take, whose life you might influence one day. So it is still a selfish act on the scale of the world. Do not believe you are as insignificant as you feel in the world's billions. (if we believed that the world be no longer contain billions.)

I'm not insensitive to that sadness in our existence. But I don't think escaping duty and morality cures it. I understand it is hard to be brave but -- if my time comes, I hope I will not shirk.