I posted this a few days ago in response to someone's dilemma, when a girl asked for help on message board because her best friend might be suicidal.

Honestly, it's been a really long time since those teenage days when my friends and I emailed each other and answered pleas for help. It was hard just to get into that tone where you're positive and judicious, and not just blunt and snarky, as one is so apt to be as an intolerant and short-fused adult. But I couldn't bring myself (as some of the others who replied) to tell her to just TELL an adult, and I felt so politically incorrect about it. I had no idea how old she was, and maybe I wasn't deciphering her message clearly enough, maybe she just wanted someone to give her courage to tell an adult. But I've been brought up on a sleuth of fantasy literature about making choices, and in my - utterly rational world - I can't conceive of jumping into something without surveying the consequences. I can't condescend to someone on the grounds of age, and not give them their chance to take full responsibility for their decisions. No-one is too young to try to think for themselves. Besides, when I was thirteen - or ten - telling an adult never solved my problems. It has always been something I had to figure out for myself, even when I was young. Maybe that's just me. I wanted to die when I was nine, and no one knew, and I'm still here. And maybe I'm really unqualified because there are still days when I want to kill myself, so I'm really actually a mess, but seriously? I can't see how the concern of parents and teachers would've made things any better for me, and I *can* imagine how it might have driven me over the brink.

My best friend's parents "hit her", in her own words, and I'm glad I was never bound by strict morality to tell an adult. I knew her parents and looking back, I don't think they were violently abusive, but even if it was more severe than I can guess, I wouldn't feel right if I had tattled and caused her to go into foster care. She made me promise not to tell, because she feared that very thing. And who's to belittle the fears of a ten year old, or the integrity of a promise and of friendship, and how can someone really be qualified to tell her that she would be happier in some other life with foster parents than with the parents she really loved? It's hard to say what's ultimately better for someone, and few people aren't scarred in some way by their childhood and familial ties. Even as a child, I'm sure I had some undefined sense of my convictions. And then, I don't know how my friend's life turned out, but so far as my imagination stretches, I think people can't get out of their own skin, and if someone is by nature tragical, no amount of kindly love or good parenting can change the fate they are determined to create for themselves.

I can sense how this can be very controversial, and my feelings and raw convictions are ill-expressed, but I harbour no anger towards laws for foster care or a guardian's right to know whatever concerns their child's well-being. But I remember being a child too vividly to relinquish the thought that it's okay not to tell your parents everything. What I desired most as a child was trust, and the space to do things when I'm good and ready to, and I will always be an ardent defender of that.

Well, here was what I wrote.

---

I think it's a good sign that she knows she can talk to her three best friends about this. Work with your friends to get her (and each other) through this. Be there for her; hear her out whenever she needs to talk, make sure she knows you value her advice and opinion too (sometimes it helps if the reaching out isn't all one-sided), and do fun things together to get her mind off her problems. Let her know you love her and really care about her, and that she's needed (by friends and family).

If there's an adult you trust, it never hurts to talk to them and get their opinion and advice. It also helps to have someone who's mature and reliable to fall back on, because it's not easy handling confidences like this on your own.

I thought I'd say that telling an adult doesn't always solve everything, though. I've had thoughts about suicide in my early teens, and so have some of my close friends growing up for various reasons, and I guess we got through okay. I don't want to belittle the problem, though: when someone says she wants to kill herself she should always be taken seriously. I guess whatever you do, you'll have to trust your friend: trust her to be strong enough to handle all her issues, and trust her to understand that you really care about her and have her best interests at heart if you decide to tell an adult.

Go with your instincts here: if you feel like she really needs outside help, or even if you're feeling overwhelmed by what she's saying, get help. See if there's an adult you know whom you feel comfortable talking to, and if not, approach a counsellor or a hotline. Ask her if she wants you to go with her when she's talking to an adult, or be around when she decides to call a hotline, like muppets says.

Does your school have guidance counsellors? Mine had, and you could talk to them on your own or go as a group, and everything you said was completely confidential-- as in, they won't tell your parents or any other authority figure, unless they think it's necessary and then only with your consent. Sometimes my best friend and I would go together and talk to them about various things, for example in the same session my friend would talk about her parents getting divorced and I would talk about my self-esteem issues (it's less intimidating when you're with a friend), and the counsellor would give us tangible advice on what to do about it.

What I found always helped me as a teen and even now is: journalling (or blogging, or writing poetry, or writing myself out, because sometimes you have to figure things out for yourself), books I could turn to, music. It might be cheesy but there are some really helpful (true) stories in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul for suicide, self-esteem, family and relationship problems etc. It also helps to know that other people have gone through similar situations before, so talking to real-life people who can relate or reading about how others have dealt with it (online, in articles, even in fiction etc.). You might also want to check out organizations like these ones:

To Write Love on her Arms
The Yellow Ribbon Project

I hope that wasn't too confusing. Take care, and my best thoughts are with you and your friend.