Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I have plenty of faults.

The self-esteem thing is definitely an issue. I think, in a way, most of my faults come from low-self-esteem.
I hold grudges. That's the downside of having a good memory, because you just don't forget (and thus forgive) the crap people give you. The sting just doesn't go away.
I'm really sensitive/touchy. I feel hurt all the time even though I know someone might not've meant to hurt me, I still interpret it that way, and THEN I hold a grudge against them for it too.
For a lot of things, it's my way or the highway. It's not that I think I'm always right, but even when I'm wrong I still want to do things my way.
I'm a snob. I can't stand people's bad taste in food/clothes/books etc.
I get jealous easily, too. I get so envious sometimes that I end up avoiding good friends because I'll inevitably compare myself to them when I talk to/see them.

I also procrastinate, am always late, am a slob, etc.; but I know I can change those if I really want to, so they're less crippling than my emotional/self-esteem issues.

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My jealousy and my things-used-to-be-so-much-better depression is pretty bad. It actually kind of makes sense (to my twisted mind) to be jealous of people who are going through milestones you've already passed: I feel both protective and bitter when I see someone graduating from high school etc., or travelling to a country I've been to and loved, I mean, I'm happy for them, but then I immediately wish I could turn time back and have my own joy and excitement of that moment back so I'm jealous. And THEN, since I know I can't get that perfectly happy moment back, I get depressed.

I think a lot of my peculiarities have seeped through from my mom and grandmother, too. I'm not blaming them, I find my faults crippling but it comforts me to know where it comes from... I guess because then I know that my grandmother's dealt with them, too. It is a daunting legacy.

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